Energy is Currency

I’ll start this blog off being contradictory. My first blog set the context for future ones by saying I wasn’t going to give tips or tricks about playing the mom game. The purpose of that is because I really don’t think I’m that cool thinking I have this mom thing figured out or that the way I’m doing things is worth following. Cue the contradiction – that’s exactly what I’m doing with this blog, because what I’m going to share has become a life-saving momtra that is instrumental in me keeping myself together in life right now.

Bless my mother’s heart, but she is a huge fan of the cliche. Anytime my brother, sister or I face large challenges, she responds with a cliche from her catalog. My favorite has always been,

It’s like eating an elephant; one bite at a time.

That’s great, but what happens when there’s a whole herd of elephants stampeding toward you and you have to eat them all simultaneously before they trample you beneath them without breaking stride? That analogy is a less dramatic version of my life right now.

I developed a new momtra last December. Last December is the first time in my life that I have ever felt so thin and stripped from all acknowledgement of life beyond hospital walls. Even though Gunner’s journey had been going for 10 months at this point, he still had a lot going on that required a considerable amount of observation, analysis, conclusion, intervention, more observation and analysis, and a change in intervention. Then, Ryan ended up in ICU medically sedated after going into cardiac arrest which really escalated the momentum of the rollercoaster we were on. I’m not a fan of roller coasters and the one we were on in December was the worst of them all.

I had no idea if any decision I was making was the right one, but I didn’t even have the luxury of wasting energy in second-guessing. Decisions had to be made based on the information I had at the time considering the circumstances in that moment and feelings, emotions, people, future state – that didn’t play into the decision-making algorithm. This is where the new momtra came in.

Energy is currency.

I only had a certain amount of energy that I was able to budget for everything going on that December. However, I’ve maintained that momtra since and it has absolutely saved me as life has not slowed down since and I keep reliving the hopeful idea, I can’t wait until next month when things slow down. Well, it’s November and things are definitely not slowing down. However, no matter the most recent pile of life that’s been added to my plate, I do my best to keep my shit together by reminding myself that my energy is my currency.

Think about energy like you do your money. These days, my energy is way more valuable than money. This metaphor translates with so many analogies.

Sometimes, I have an abundance and other times, I’m struggle bussing HARD to make ends meet. Either way, I’m aware of how much money I have and my energy should be given the same consideration. The bank can provide overdraft protection to make sure my bills still get paid, but it’ll end up costing me more in fees to cover my ass. I end up further in the hole and it ends up stressing me out more because bills aren’t going to stop just because I ran out of money. Running out of energy has its own consequences and it costs me more in the long run if my energy balance is running low and I don’t have enough to cover what’s pending. Running out of energy can end up stressing me out more because life is still happening around me and it doesn’t care if I have the energy for it or not. I have to maintain my energy balance.

In order to maintain a daily balance, I do my best to budget. When money is tight, I have to cut out the extra spending on luxuries to fulfill my obligations and take care of my responsibilities. When my energy is low, I follow the same protocol – cut out the extra spending of energy to maintain what I do have left so I can take care of my responsibilities and obligations. $50 in my bank account? I should probably skip the venti Starbucks today. Just snapped on the customer service person on the phone even though it wasn’t her fault my package delivery is delayed? I’ll probably add a little extra screen time to the kids’ agenda so I can have a little longer quiet time to regroup. Having a surplus of either is a luxury and I can afford to splurge with Starbucks or educational, creative activities. I have to be honest with myself when I’m running low and realize I need to reallocate and can make up for it later when I have a little more.

I have a long-time friend who will sporadically Venmo me $10 for Starbucks just to cheer me up. I have a cousin who has sent me an inspirational quote every single day since Gunner’s diagnosis two years ago. I’m blessed to have people who add money and energy to my life. However, I don’t ONLY hang out with people who send me coffee money or give me energy. I don’t ask people to give me either; I only ask that people don’t take either. I don’t willingly invite people into my life who take my money. I don’t have the budget for it and just can’t afford it. I also don't invite people in my life who take my energy because I can’t afford it. People, events, projects, obligations – sometimes they cost too much and even though it’s hard to say no, I might have to in order to maintain what little energy (or money) I have.

Sometimes, my budget doesn’t always account for all expenditures that come up. When that happens, I try my best to make up for it by generating some extra money. Lately, I’ll try and get some extra cash by selling surplus, unused stuff on Facebook Marketplace. My emotional budget doesn’t always account for some of the life that comes up. When that happens, I try and do something to replenish my stock of energy. This looks different depending on what’s going on and what I can afford – both energetically and monetarily. Lately, I have been replenishing my energy by grocery shopping alone. Yeah, I know, it’s not stereotypical self-care, but I’ll take it because it’s all I can afford.

There are some things that I have to spend money on that just suck, but are necessary because I’m an adult and have to do adult things. I need to budget for a mortgage, electricity, water, fuel, groceries, insurance – lame. Those are line items in my budget that I really don’t have that much control over and even though they aren’t fun to spend money on, they kinda keep my kids alive with a roof over their heads so I’ll just pout while I write out another check to the blood-sucking power company. And ya know what? Your energy is the same. You still have to budget energy for the things that keep your young ones alive, fed, clothed, and healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I still fudge the lines according to what I have in my budget and as long as it’s done, I will call it a win. Instead of springing for the name brand cereal, I’ll grab the bag of Malt-o-Meal and call it a day; still a win, because the kids are fed. The kids can’t tell the difference anyway. There’s the energy version of this, too. Sometimes, I have room in my budget to get all three kids through the shower/homework/bedtime story routine that makes me feel like the ultimate badass mom. Other nights, I ask my kid, When was the last time you showered? Come here, let me smell you. With both budgets, I have responsibilities and will do all I can to make sure those responsibilities are met. I’d be remiss to say that sometimes my budgets are low and I have to give myself grace when I didn’t spring for the name brand peanut butter or when I intentionally grabbed the shorter bedtime story.

I’ve run dry on both budgets and had no idea how I was going to generate more money or more energy for those basic necessities, because life has a way of draining you of both sometimes. Here’s where I might get a little preachy…#sorrynotsorry. Find a way. You will find a way. I know you’ll find a way, because you have to. Laying down or giving up is not an option. You dig down deep and relentlessly hunt down what you need to make it happen. You adapt and overcome because you have to and you were made to.

So, I’ll close out by again admitting my contradiction that I don’t want to sound preachy or authoritative in my blog and that’s exactly what this one sounds like. I really don’t feel like I’m in a place to give anyone advice on anything. I just sat on my closet floor in my compression socks and nightgown crying after screaming curse words into my bathrobe and throwing it across my bathroom. The whole purpose of writing these blogs is to share some of my experiences and the momtras that result because those are what get me off the closet floor to wipe off my running mascara and go take the kids for Casey’s doughnuts because to hell with cooking breakfast this morning. I want to go watch my nephew play his JFL playoff game. Mom on, ladies.