Transfer and Trust Energy

In holding true to a momtra shared in a previous blog, I’ve been treating my personal energy like currency and just haven’t had it in my budget to write lately. That momtra refers to energy as a source of power that helps me compete in the mom game. I only have so much of it and budget accordingly or I won’t win. I am so stingy with that energy, because I’ve gone through some lean times where energy wasn’t readily available. I didn’t know when I was getting the next metaphorical energy paycheck, so I had to use what I had sparingly and prioritize the people and tasks lucky enough to be a line item in my energy budget. At times, I only had enough energy for the kids and what they absolutely needed to make it through their day. 

• Homework didn’t make the cut – sorry teachers. 

• Laundry didn’t always make the cut – I got pretty creative with wardrobe choices. 

• Dishes didn’t always make the cut – paper plates for the win! 

• Washing my hair didn’t make the cut – so happy I work from home.

• Cleaning definitely didn’t make the cut – unless it was the kids’ bathroom, because boys are gross and I have no clue how pee splashes that far outside of the toilet. 

I am so close-fisted with spending this energy and that kind of frugality is a big payoff when I can look back and realize I just rocked that emotional debt and can then reward myself with a nap…or a coffee.

With that being said, I actually want to shift the context away from the more kinetic energy to be budgeted and more toward the energy that dwells within and transcends your physical form. It’s a light that illuminates. It’s the spirit that inspires. It’s the metaphysical presence within that is projected and shared with surrounding people and space. It’s not the type of energy to be consumed wisely and conservatively. Spend it indulgently and liberally on an energy spree as much and as often as you can and spend it on everyone within your vicinity. Not only that, but I’ve learned not to feel greedy when I need to soak in that energy, that love, that light, that peace, that sense of belonging and safety. That, my dear friends, sustains your soul. 

Full disclosure — I’m currently reading C.S. Lewis and I’m not sure if I should blame or thank him. Dude is magic and I have a crush on his rhetoric and will never come close to achieving the transcendental perspective he takes from the experiences that serve as a genesis for the evolution of life and personal philosophy. Just throwing that out there in case you realize I’m in over my head with some of my own style in this one. I’m not high; I’m just in a literary trance. 

Moving on – This concept of intrinsic energy has been a focus of mine over the last few months. If you’re a habitual Momtra reader, you know I overthink and you could probably get lost chasing me down the rabbit holes I take with my writing sometimes. If you’re a virgin Momtra reader – welcome, and don’t forget to leave breadcrumbs – and I’m sure you’re already picking up on that overly analytical stream of conscience I’ve got going on in this blonde head of mine. 

Channeling the spirit of my boyfriend, C.S. Lewis, I can examine moments in my life as a series of fortunate and unfortunate events that shape my mind into the overthinking vessel that thrives in my subconscious as my conscious mind is distracted by what is happening in front of me – working with Caden to understand and navigate his autism, Gunner’s journey concluding with a simultaneous divorce, reinventing my identity as a single mom again while subsequently establishing an introductory role as a co-parent, supporting routine-based children in a world of anything but routine, and all the stuff in between I HAVEN’t shared – of course I’m going to overthink, right?! 

Well, my overthinking evolved into a gateway drug that led to over-feeling and that addiction just led to chronic ugly cry face, explosive over reactions, overstimulation, and mom guilt because I couldn’t keep myself together to constructively respond to anything. It was this nasty perpetual cycle of stimulus/response that was poor modeling from me and promoting an environment of poor behavior from myself and the kids. 

While I’m fully aware this is justified given the circumstances, it’s not an excuse for a way of life. Unacceptable. I felt icky. My eyes were puffy. I had wet tissues everywhere! I wasn’t happy, the kids weren’t thriving, and we were not living our best lives. I was so tired and didn’t trust myself to keep my emotions under control. I would cry or get mad so easily and I hated it. Since I couldn’t trust my thoughts or emotions, I just started trusting energy. It’s about to get real hippie mom up in here and I am definitely not sorry. I’m also pretty sure the transfer of energy is scientifically based, but I was an English teacher so I’ll stick to my train of thought. I surrounded myself with people, places, experiences and things with an energy that made me feel peaceful and brought me a sense of calm. I gave myself grace realizing I couldn’t trust my thoughts, emotions, feelings or what I’ve relied on for so long. My survival and that of my kids was so heavily rooted in logic, empirical data, and pragmatism – and my brain just couldn’t handle that emotionally charged cognitive load anymore. Do you know how long it took me to admit that I couldn’t handle that reality anymore?! I recognized my exhaustion. I admitted what I was doing wasn’t working. I submitted my current state of a control-freak mind, and I learned to just rely on peace in the energy around me. I didn’t need to explain or justify it. I just had to rest in it. Once I became aware of that transfer of energy from people, places, activities, or environments… 

My shoulders fell away from my ears. 

My jaw unclenched. 

My posture straightened. 

My tension headache eased. 

I got to a place where I was more aware of my own energy and that of the people and places around me. Again, this is not the kinetic energy, but that of a more spiritual nature. I am fully aware that I’m super hippie mom right now, but I have to share how much balance this brought me. I was intentional with surrounding myself with those people or putting myself in those places without worry, guilt, overthinking or over-feeling – I just rested in the peaceful energy. I took a cognitive break. This was also a catalyst to me being aware of the energy I was transferring to the space and people around me – my kids and my home. When everything around them is chaos, I want to provide an energy that brings them peace and illuminates whatever darkness they’re experiencing. I want to light a path they feel safe walking in. I found a space where I paid less attention to my thoughts, my feelings, my words – and I just allowed myself to focus on what kind of energy I was providing for them. When that became my focus, my mind, feelings, thoughts, words – they all became more calm and peaceful and that organically transfers to the people and space around you.

I went through a big test run with this new “rest in my energy” momtra when I took the kids to St. Louis for a getaway in late January. Bear Necessities is an Illinois-based non-profit that gives financial assistance to Illinois families affected by pediatric cancer and also pays for and organizes “Bear Hugs” for the patient – it’s like a mini Make-a-Wish Foundation, but for Illinois families. Bear Necessities organized and paid for us to have a weekend at Union Station and it allowed me the opportunity to get the kids out of their environment, explore some new scenery, have some fun, and just be together. They’ve never really gotten to experience restaurants, hotels or big outings, because Caden’s behavior always made us reluctant to venture out, we always had little kids, COVID, and then Gunner’s diagnosis…it was just never a thing for my kids. Making it to the other side of the cancer nightmare, I want to get the kids to experience things like Union Station and the Aquarium, the city, road trips, and to just have adventures. Since this is new to us, I wanted to start small and keep it manageable. Even with that in mind, it was a steaming pile of stress. 

A few wins from the trip – 

1. The kids were able to experience amazing generosity from Bear Necessities and the other donations received to make the trip happen. 

2. We got some really cute pictures.

3. And most importantly, I learned a lot on this trip for future adventures. 

I’m used to roadtrips being more “wing it”, but that roadtrip philosophy was established in my 20’s when it was just me or it was with me travel buddy, Terri; “wing it” worked back then. Well, my kids are not “wing it” kids. Willow is definitely “wing it”, because she’s my spirit animal. Caden is definitely not. It’s common knowledge that kids with autism typically require routine. His brain has enough stimulating input to process throughout a day, so the more that follows his expectations for a daily routine or his expected environment, the less his brain has to work to process. Even if the weather changes, Caden can struggle to move past it, because it’s different and it takes him a little time to acclimate and determine how that weather change is going to affect his environment. (If you’re playing the Momtra rabbit hole game, now’s the time to leave a breadcrumb.) 

I was so excited about the trip and reluctant to tell the kids, because plans can change and that is a whole other ball of mess. So, I chose to surprise them. Plus, the anticipatory questions get really old after a while. Well, I didn’t avoid the questions by keeping it a surprise. All I did was prolong their appearance and crammed them into a two-hour drive down to St. Louis with rapid-fire questions about every possible consideration a person can make within that period of time when traveling down the road – clouds moving too fast, desperate to know when and where we were getting gas even though we had plenty to get there and part of the way back, more desperation to know when and where we were getting food even though it was only 4:00, an emergent need to find a restroom even though he didn’t have to go – the questions did not stop. The whole weekend. Every move we were going to make, every bite we had to take and every person we were going to see should have been calculated. I should’ve known to schedule when, where, how and how much time each activity was going to be. Even with that much predetermined calculation, there’s no way to foresee some of the shit that will still go down on a vacation even sans “wing it”. Miniature golf didn’t go as planned. So glad no one got hit with that club. Eating at the old fashioned soda shop didn’t go very well either. The only thing Gunner had to eat that whole day was the $20 sugarscape they call a milkshake and Caden was not thrilled he didn’t get his share. While dealing with that meltdown, I lost sight of the sugar-spiked Gunner leaning over to repeatedly smack the head of a man sitting adjacent to our booth. His “kind” wife decided to stand up and yell at me to keep my son under control. Her energy was yucky. 

I was so upset at this point and was about to give up on the whole trip, but I was set on turning it around. Willow was trying to make me happy and I decided to take a page from her book. That girl can write a story, let me tell you. I started enjoying her company and focusing on her energy. There was a man getting on the elevator at the hotel and he was talking to his son. Willow looked at him and said, “You’re a really good dad. I can tell.” That is energy to be envious of! And you know what…I emulated it the rest of the trip. I embodied that Willow energy and nothing was going to dampen the vibe I had going on after that. Caden would still get upset. Gunner was still not feeling his best. Willow and I just kept that energy moving up and out to the world. I shit you not...it worked. I shifted my focus from what was upsetting to generating energy that could be transferred to the kids. I wanted to transfer positive energy in which my kids could feel safety and peace. It took more intentionality because that was B-A-N-A-N-A-S. The ship had sailed on my ability to prepare the trip the way Caden needed me to. I could still salvage the way we all handled it and the energy surrounding us. 

I just want to say thank you to all of you who have shared your energy with me. I love you all so much. You selflessly, and maybe even unknowingly, transferred your energy to me in a time when I needed an unexplained, unjustified peace. I have beautiful people in my life with remarkable spirits. Thank you for sharing your energy so I could take a break. I love you all!

Please continue to channel your energy to those around you. If you’re unaware of your current state of energy, consider it and illuminate your world. I have a lot of friends going through a lot of crap. Hard crap. Heartbreaking. Reality shattering. I want to cry with them, and hold them, pray alongside them or for them, and take away all of the fear and pain. I want to reach out and tell all of you: 

It’s ok to rest and find peace in the people and space around you without a specific reason. 

It’s ok to distance yourself from some of the people, places or tasks you love and respect, but they just don’t have the energy you need to balance your spirit right now. 

Give yourself grace when you’re not there yet and you need to try again. 

Know that you don’t have the luxury to feel your feelings or think your thoughts right now. That time will come, but it might not be right now. For now – rest in the energy that brings you light.

You’re wonderfully made to find unexplained calm in this chaos and you will not break. 

I pray that my friends find that space to take a break and feel at peace even if it’s just for a minute. Embrace that minute for what it is and use what it gives you to prepare for the battle.

That minute can be just enough reprieve. Let it happen and don’t look for an explanation; just know that energy is a gift for you because you’re loved.

Then, when the time comes and you regain the ability to sustain your own energy, look to transfer what you can to others. Share your love, your light, your spirit – your energy.