Emotions Have Purpose. Even Mom Guilt.

I’ve been in survival mode the last few years and because of that, I grew accustomed to emotions swirling and living with it as a norm. Decision fatigue is another part of it. On a daily basis, I needed to observe or listen, analyze, and respond to the best of my ability with very real and scary consequences if making the wrong decision. I’m not saying deciding what’s for dinner would be life or death, but some decisions could have consequences I didn’t want to face if I chose incorrectly. Although, I dread making the wrong dinner choice because some nights, the consequence for that was more than I wanted to deal with. On those nights, it’s mac-n-cheese and dino nuggets.

For the last few years, I’ve had a constantly triggered nervous system that evolved quickly to operate that way – a walking ball of emotions and decisions. After being in this consistent state for a few years through Gunner’s journey and the divorce, my brain adapted and overcame – it was rewired. I didn’t even realize it rewired until life started hitting a stride recently and having conversation over coffee made me realize I don’t really know how to think, feel, or respond without being in survival mode. My nervous system has to relearn how to do life without constantly trying to recognize threats or perceived threats, or requiring constant vigilance for quick response, weighing consequences to land on a decision I could live with.

When working with Caden through his autism diagnosis and digging into understanding him and his needs, I did so much intentional thought mapping and calculation. Taking that kind of time for intentional responses became a luxury the last few years and I learned to quickly judge a situation determining path of least resistance. Now that my environment has deviated from consistently heightened stimulation, my brain and body are relearning how to manage life without a constantly-engaged nervous system and prolonged exposure to increased cortisol levels without returning to homeostasis.

I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this. I’m not a unique player in the mom game, because we’ve all been in those states of hyper awareness and overstimulation. It’s all relative based on experience and valid when considering the impact overstimulation has on mom life. My circumstances might be unique, but it’s not unique for a mom to feel her own circumstances much the same way – practices, sign-ups, work, packing lunches, managing a household, sleepovers, carpool, dishes, laundry, schedules, doctor appointments, volunteering for field trips, planning for dinner, grocery shopping for dinner, cooking the dinner, enforcing appropriate dinner table manners, cleaning up the dinner, doing dishes from dinner…picking up the same toy for a week and handing it to a kid only to have them get distracted when putting it away and setting it down so you can pick it up again later to rekindle the cycle. I swear, I’m about to lose the sweet light of Jesus if I have to pick up that Bakugan one more time.

Emotions are constantly part of my chaos cocktail of a life. I’ve finally reached the part of my journey where I can look in the rearview mirror when I felt like my emotions were happening to me and I just had to deal with them or ignore them, because feeling them was a luxury I didn’t have time for. I really started to get bogged down by emotions in the hospital with Gunner. No matter how amazing the nurses, doctors, my St. Jude counselor, and child life specialists were, admissions took an incredibly emotional toll. I started doing more reading and research on how emotions affect the brain and body. While getting my degree in Cadednology, I’ve learned I do better when I feel like I’m making informed decisions. I wanted to research and have a clearer understanding of the natural processing of emotions even in an unnatural set of circumstances. I wanted to feel my feels in an intentional and healthy way laying groundwork for coping with and healing from this traumatic journey. I didn’t have the naive motive to control my emotions, but I wanted to understand what was happening when I felt them, name them, and recognize the process my brain and body were going through. Then, work on coping with them as emotions were a very real impact on my daily living. Maybe I’m just a brain nerd. Maybe I’m a control freak grasping at an illusion of control over my feelings. Maybe I grew tired of feeling like I was losing my mind. Yeah…all of that. I'm so thankful for the foresight to start learning about brains on emotion, because it's been instrumental in navigating Gunner's cancer and the subsequent divorce ick.

There are a couple of conclusions I’ve drawn from this emotional geeking out – one is for this blog and the other is for future Emily to blog about. Warning -- future Emily is a huge nerd and needs more time to research. Stay tuned. The one I’m focusing on here and now is that:

Emotions have a purpose.

They are not happening to me and not something to control. They are worth investigating to understand and derive purpose from my circumstances based on my responses to them. In the last few years, I’ve had to make a lot of decisions based on circumstances out of my control – heavy decisions. Decisions I didn’t want to make. I felt icky weighing pro’s and con’s, and even ickier feeling convicted about my decision knowing its impacts and potential risks. Decisions that had consequences and left me feeling sad, mad, guilty, relieved, scared, anxious…sometimes, I felt each of those one at a time and all too often, I felt them all at once. Those emotional tempests will paralyze a person. Paralysis is not an option, so I had to learn how to discern between them and find alignment that brought calm to the storm. Alignment comes when your gut, heart and head all have the same energy and sharing a consistent message.

Moms have gut feelings and instinctual responses that are both primal and based on prior experiences. We all know the adage “listen to your gut”. There is a whole lot of truth to that and science to back it up, but then you get the reality of those swirling emotions triggering your subconscious and you start to doubt your gut. Your subconscious is a gullible child and very impressionable so it will believe lies that make you doubt your intuition. It’s responsible for self-sabotage and should be put in timeout. Also, like a child, it doesn’t pick up on cues that it needs to go sit at the kid table because the adults are talking. I need my conscious brain to have an adult conversation with my heart who’s feeling what the gut started.

Recently, I spent time trying to better understand why I felt so convicted about a big decision that I knew would cause some anger, sadness, and disappointment from others. At my core, I’m a people pleaser and hate disappointing. I had my gut instinct, I followed my gut and I felt strongly about my decision. I had a lot of emotions and over time, most drifted away and I felt conviction in my decision. I was actually alarmed at how convicted I was about making such an impactful decision. I tried on some possible reasons for this feeling and truly explored it fully accepting the risk, because I might discover that this conviction came from a place that doesn’t follow my moral compass:

Do I feel this way because I’m selfish?

Do I feel this way because I’m stubborn?

Do I feel this way because I’m a control freak?

Do I feel this way because I’m spiteful?

Do I feel this way because I’m being vengeful?

Do I feel this way because I’m afraid?

Do I feel this way because my way is better?

I was willing to take accountability if one of those fit and take responsibility for rectification if that was the case. None of them felt right. None of those possible explanations aligned with how I felt. I’m feeling this way because my kids deserve better. BOOM. Full alignment with my gut instinct, my emotional response to it, and knowing why I felt that way. It was a straight energetic connection and was a catalyst for having peace in chaos. Peace at the risk of exposing ugliness in my heart, but peace was the result.

This practice of feeling the emotion, naming it, and exploring the purpose is a big one when I start to feel mom guilt. Ugh…mom guilt. Who invited that emotion to the mom party?! A big one for me lately is working on my computer or from my phone while the kids are trying to engage with me. Even typing that made me feel guilty. I feel it and I dub thee GUILT. What does the trusty ol’ conscious brain have to say about the purpose of feeling guilty? Let’s try on some possible reasons:

Am I feeling guilty because my children are neglected?

Am I feeling guilty because Willow’s feelings will be hurt if I don’t stop and look at the new stick she just found and has to store in my closet next to my shoes?

Am I feeling guilty because these days will pass quickly and I need to take advantage of the times when she wants to include me in the stick excitement?

Am I feeling guilty because I chose work over Willow’s stick?

None of those are very flattering reasons for me feeling guilty. Like I said before, digging in to the true purpose of your emotion is a risk; it’s kind of like trying on swimsuits after raiding the buffet line at family Thanksgiving – I risk seeing an unflattering image. However, I accept the risk and will put in the work if what I see isn’t what I want to see.

Mom guilt is a powerful emotion and because of that, it takes time to try on the possible purpose for it. Guilt has a negative connotation, but I assure you it can be a positive thing. It connects you with your moral standard and is adaptive in promoting connection with others and contributing positively to society. It can also be maladaptive and become a thread in our self-concept. I’ll bet your subconscious believes it, too. Jerk. (For more on this, check out Guilt: When It is Useful – and What to Do if it Takes Over Your Life.)

In the case of Willow’s stick, I felt guilty because I chose work over the excitement of her stick and by the time I finished sending my email, she was playing by herself and the excitement had waned. The purpose for feeling guilty wasn’t pretty because it didn’t follow my moral compass – my kids are more important than work. Again, I’m a mere mortal and muggle choosing work over Willow and felt guilty about it. I have to give myself grace, because this isn’t a common practice for me. I usually take the quick trip to Willow World acknowledging her exciting stick find and then she’s off to find a nice home for it next to my boots in my closet. I know that’s my best practice and I just fell short this time. Guilt is just holding me accountablr to a standard that I’m invested in. I really do want to be intentional about making time for my kids. Thanks, guilt friend, but you can go home now.

I also look at guilt and not only determine its purpose, but also the genesis for my perception. Is my guilt from comparing to my own standard or a standard projected on me from an outside influence? I’m looking at you, Pinterest! That’s an easy target, but the influence also comes from other people sharing their mom opinions or seeing other moms in public and on social media. (For more on this, check out episode 17 of The Brain People Podcast)

I get so much mom guilt from letting my kids have screen time. It’s a ridiculous amount of mom guilt coming from the idea that my kids watching tv or playing on their tablets means I’m not engaged with them.

Why do I feel guilty about screen time? Is this guilt coming from my own standard or one that is being projected on me?

I feel guilty, because my subconscious believes that all the other moms are making sensory kits, decorating cookies, going on nature walks, and solving the mysteries of physics with their toddlers as their homemade bread dough rises.

Emotions have purpose. Even mom guilt.

Mom guilt deserves grace and perspective. Acknowledging mom guilt keeps me in alignment with my standards, but I want to make sure it’s my standard and not one my subconscious believes. I have to give myself grace here and realize that I can engage with my kids substantially without being in their face constantly. My own standard is that I’m allowed to disengage to manage the rest of life happening outside of, and because of, my kids. My kids need to know that there is life beyond their egocentric world and laundry still needs to be done, emails actually do need to be sent, the dishes need to get done so the fruit flies go away…it’s all about balance and I forgive myself for disengaging. Just like that lovely reel on Instagram – behind every kid on a screen is a mom getting shit done. I can give myself grace for this guilt, because I know the purpose of it is to make sure I’m being the mom my kids deserve and I realize the guilt is from projected standards and not my own. Guilt requires grace and perspective. Mom guilt deserves it more.

When mom guilt is the emotion, it can be paralyzing. It can be maladaptive and I don’t have time for that. It’s worth the energy investment to figure out the purpose for feeling guilty. Did I do something wrong? Am I responding to my own standard or one projected on me that my subconscious naively believes? STUPID SUBCONSCIOUS!

Guilt deserves grace and perspective. I’m prepared to discover if I should feel guilty. Like the time I shut Caden’s hand in my tailgate. I felt so guilty and it was totally justified, because I didn’t look to see if his hands were in the way as he was leaning on the truck talking to Grandpa. Yes, guilt is necessary and it would be super messed up if I didn’t feel that way. Causing my kids pain isn’t exactly in alignment with my parenting standards. I still have to keep it in perspective that it was an accident and refocus my energy on comforting him and convincing him that I really didn’t do it on purpose. Guilt deserves grace and perspective. Otherwise, it can take a full monopoly on my energy and I wouldn’t be able to invest it where it's needed.

Emotions → Feel them. Name them. Determine the purpose for them.

Guilt → Feel it. Name it. Determine the purpose for it. Keep it in perspective. Give grace.