It’s not just a label – it’s learning and loving.

Neurodiversity is a term that generalizes the truth about brains and that they all function differently, because not only are we all genetically diverse, but also experientially diverse. Even identical twins don’t have identical experiences, perceptions, or brain development. There are developmental trends even with neurodiversity, but neurodivergent is a term referring to those brilliantly different brains who don't closely adhere to those trends.

As most are aware if you’ve read any previous blogs, had a conversation with me, or read any social media post I’ve made – I have beautifully unique children by both God’s design and the experiences they live as part of their testimonies. I’ve navigated diagnoses for my little neurodivergents, but it’s all developed into a momtra:

It’s not just a label – it’s learning and loving.

An official diagnosis can be scary, it can be validating, it can be overwhelming, it can be sad, it can be liberating – it can be many things and inspire many feelings. To me, Caden’s diagnosis was all of those, but it was primarily my enrollment into the University of Caden. Autism was a label that liberated me from my egotistical feelings of inadequacy and thrusted me into desired devotion to learn more. I wanted to learn more about how Caden’s brain works by better understanding the wiring of brains with autism and the implications for emotional, environmental, and cognitive processing.  

A working knowledge of how Caden’s brain works means I am more equipped to support and advocate for him. I can meet him where he’s at and support him with where he’s going. This is a constantly evolving cycle of learning, applying, observing and modifying. Being the mom of neurodivergent children is the entire platform for me learning how to adapt, overcome and mom on. All kids are neurodiverse in some way and uniquely grow as they age and transition into their next stage of life. Watching that growth and them taking another step closer to being autonomous and thriving adults is God’s reward for living through the growing pains.

Early on in Caden’s diagnosis journey, I learned how helpful it was to have conversations with him about his autism. I received great advice from the director of the Autism Program at U of I in Champaign to start having early conversations with Caden. I avoided talking to Caden about his autism because I was afraid he’d let it define him. She said talking to him about his autism was much like talking to a kid who needs glasses to read or hearing aids to hear. It’s important for Caden to know what his autism is and promote ongoing dialogue about what that looks like for him and what he needs to support his success. Starting this early in his journey made conversations more familiar and organic as he’s evolved, gotten older, met new benchmarks, achieved new goals, met new challenges, established new routines, met new people, and experienced disruption to his reality. I feel like Caden’s had a unique lifestyle having experienced Gunner’s cancer journey, the divorce, and post-divorce ick all in his own way. Because he’s used to having conversations about his processing and what life changes looks like to him is natural for us and promotes a safe way to express his feelings and frustration with it. These conversations wouldn’t be nearly as productive if they didn’t start early.

Another monumental piece of Caden’s autism diagnosis is both modeling and teaching Caden to take accountability. Ideally, his world and the people in it will be tolerant, supportive, and equitable in opportunities and meet Caden where he’s at. However, no one lives in an ideal world and the brutal truth is that Caden is not entitled to any exceptions or considerations. He is ultimately accountable for advocating for his own support and needs but must be prepared to do what’s necessary to achieve his goals because no one owes him anything.

Recently, I got to celebrate this playing out. Caden is in middle school, and it hasn’t been a pretty or easy transition but he’s adapting and overcoming. He’s taking those teenage steps toward autonomy by analyzing and determining his needs to follow through with advocating for his needs.  As part of his IEP, Caden meets weekly with his social worker at school for social-emotional support. He’s also recently restarted outside counseling with all he’s processing both in school and life changes. Caden realized he was unnecessarily stressing about being pulled from class to meet with the social worker per his IEP required minutes and missing instruction/work time in class. Instead of accepting that as the way it is, he took it upon himself to speak with the social worker about pulling back to as-needed consultative minutes instead of recurring scheduled time that takes him away from much-needed class time. He felt it was redundant to meet with his social worker to discuss the same topics he was covering with his counselor. I am so proud of him for thinking critically about what he needs, problem solving to find a solution, and then advocating for that solution. I’m also extremely proud of his social worker and case manager at school for supporting him in taking ownership of his learning. That one experience validated Caden and made him feel seen and heard. Win.

Caden is capable, but like any successful person will attest to, success isn’t achieved in a silo. Even Michael Jordan and Simone Biles had coaches supporting them on their journeys to great achievement. My children and I are blessed to be in a fantastic school district that cultivates a community of educators and administrators who collectively promote a collaborative approach empowering my kids and me to engage in the IEP process and they provide a supportive learning environment that reinforces life-long skills like advocating and accountability. Caden’s had a seat in his IEP meetings since he was in kindergarten. Conversations about his behavior and performance in school are familiar to him and he knows he is an active participant of the team working toward his success. Not only does he have a voice, but he gets to look around the table and see the faces of all the supportive adults working alongside him on his behalf.

When it comes to Caden’s diagnosis, I originally sought out the label to meet the insurance requirement to cover services like occupational and speech therapy prior to starting school. A diagnosis is not meant to pigeonhole, prescribe, limit, enable learned helplessness, or promote entitlement. I don’t even think a diagnosis is ultimately necessary in all circumstances especially in a supportive school district that works tirelessly to meet students where they are regardless of an IEP, 504 or diagnosis. That’s not always the case, so I can’t sit here and promote one side or the other when it comes to pursuing a diagnosis. If you’re on the fence about pursuing one, I suggest talking to your pediatrician and examining how a diagnosis will improve your child’s quality of life. I also suggest that once you get a diagnosis, spend time with it and explore your own feelings before having your initial conversation with your child so you can commit to supporting their exploration of it. You know you, your child, your life, and your lifestyle. Pray on it. Sleep on it. Eat on it. Cheers to it. Just remember, at the end of the day or at the end of the diagnosis:

It’s not just a label – it’s learning and loving. 

As long as you keep ego out of it and act as the humble steward graciously chosen to be your child’s mom, you’re going to rock it. You have been intentionally chosen and wonderfully created to adapt, overcome, and mom on.