Sufficient Steward

I get a lot of questions about my life and if you know me, you know I don’t mind answering questions if people don’t mind asking. I’ve never been accused of being mysterious and likely never will. There are some questions that repeat no matter the audience —

• How did you first know something was wrong with Gunner?

• How do you handle all of this?

• Doesn’t this make you wonder why God lets these things happen?

I’ve written and told the story about the first one, so I want to focus more on the last two. Not only do I have more conviction than ever about my answers, but I’ve also been spending a lot of time in thought, prayer and ultimately, in conflict about forgiveness and in this time of contemplation and internal debate, I started weeding out the events and people distracting me from discovering the purpose behind God’s plans for my kids and for me. 

I’ll be honest, it’s easier to accept the will of God for my life and what He needs from me. I have faith in God’s will and feel His faithful presence and provision when I submit to His will. I trust He works when I’m waiting. I know His ways are better and greater than my own. I feel the peace beyond all understanding when I obediently walk in His light. I’ve felt the proof and live a devoted life because He’s faithfully shown me these things. I have fellowship with Jesus and the confidence and conviction that comes from it. 

Distractions are louder when it’s my children who suffer and that makes it so much harder to submit to His will. Submit them to His will. I assure you, I’m no Abraham. I’m weak and probably would’ve taken Isaac for ice cream. I want so badly for my kids to have faith, feel His presence, recognize His provision, and know the peace that only comes from keeping the light of the Lord in any circumstance. I want so badly for my kids to have fellowship with Jesus and be able to live their own conviction because of that. If I had assurance they felt the peace I do, it would be easier to be obedient when it comes to my kids. Instead, they feel the pain, they cry the tears, they don’t understand the suffering, they ask the tough questions, they share their stories — and it kills me. 

So, how do I handle all of this? It’s not me. My strength is not my own and the actual execution of life is not my own. The Holy Spirit guides me and my job is to keep an open mind and heart to be guided. That means making a conscious effort to keep out the enemy. That alone is exhausting at times. Chasing away the fear, worry and doubt — not today, Satan! 

In the last Bible study I was able to participate in, we talked about preaching truth to yourself. That’s been so important, because I’m human and overthink everything. I get scared and I worry. These are the times that I make myself preach the truth. Yes, I make myself. It doesn’t come naturally and I have to remind myself of what I know to be true. When the enemy wants to keep me awake at 3 AM with images of my deepest fears and regrets, I preach to myself: 

The Lord will bring me peace. 

The Lord is with me. 

God is faithful and will provide according to His will. 

I am His daughter and He’s here. 

Energy is currency and this is not in my budget. 

I also handle this because of the Lord’s provision. The timing of His provision is also perfect and I have to remind myself of that truth, too. I want answers, a plan and a cure — all right now. Thank God for His grace, because we go through this cycle on a daily basis, especially in the hospital. And every day, He reminds me that trusting His timing will work out for His glory and for the benefit of us all. The most obvious provision comes in the form of the people He brings to walk with the kids and me on this journey. He’s provided fellowship with amazing people who look like Jesus every day. Friends, family, strangers, doctors, nurses — it’s hard to deny the presence of the Lord when surrounded by people who lift me up and walk ahead of me, beside me, or behind me according to what I need. 

One more truth that I’ve desperately clung to lately:

With as much as I love my children and would take their pain and suffering as my own and die for them, Jesus loves them more and already suffered and died for them. He already did. 

Another way I handle this is a truth less rooted in biblical study and more about this side of Heaven — I handle it because I have to. That’s the nitty gritty of it. I don’t have a choice and will do it with absolute dedication because my kids deserve no less than that. My kids deserve nothing less than 100% commitment under any circumstances and they are worth putting every other earthly thing aside. Doing this for my kids makes it worth it and I’m stubborn and determined to live adversity with them in mind. 

Doesn’t this make you wonder why God lets these things happen? Nope. I live with the light of Jesus in my heart and that’s a gift that permeates all darkness and shadow. It shines a light on the gifts I do have and I don’t get lost in the darkness of despair. I mean, I do get stuck there sometimes, but that’s when I have to recognize I’m being held there and I spend time in prayer. His faithful provision always comes when I admit I’m stuck and need help. Perfect timing, hopeful turn of events, people with servant hearts, strength that comes out of nowhere, clarity of direction — these are all real examples that I’ve been blessed to witness and experience. 

This is one clear truth that will always snap me back and I want everyone I know to feel empowered the way I do by this truth. 

God gave me my kids as His greatest gifts. That means He trusts me to be a good steward of these gifts and He made me sufficient. 

In 1 Peter, we’re told God gives each of us a gift and we’re supposed to be a steward of that gift to serve others and glorify Him. I’m undeserving of the gifts that are my kids. I’ve sinned and have made poor decisions in my past, but God is graceful and trusts me. He trusts me and made me sufficient to be a faithful steward. No matter what happens in life, my faith in Him and His faith in me will remain powerful. It’s not steadfast, because I’m human. All those times I feel mom guilt for falling short or not living up to my own perceived expectations, I remind myself of the truth:

He trusts me to be a good steward of these gifts and He made me sufficient.

Life is so tough. Kids are so tough. Consistency is so tough. Decisions are so tough. Suffering is so tough. Discipline is so tough. It’s not worth the energy to question why or complain about how hard it is. The best analogy I’ve heard recently to help clarify this is from The Watchmaker's Daughter. It’s a beautiful historical account of a bravely righteous woman who lived through concentration camps and persecution during World War II. She wasn’t Jewish, but did empathize and wanted to serve God by protecting His people. She paid dearly for it, but always kept the light of the Lord in her heart and preached the Word to encourage others. The analogy from the book is that life is like needlework. All we see on this side of Heaven are the frayed edges and knots holding the thread together. Once we die and receive our eternal salvation, we get to see the other side of the needlework and the beautiful picture God’s been working on this whole time. We might be able to tell some rough outlines of His work throughout our life, but I handle all that’s thrown at me knowing the full, beautiful picture will be revealed. 

Not only that, but I’m entrusted to be a steward of great gifts and will use all I’ve been given to live a life worthy of that gift. I also know that the life I live is not just for me to learn or grow, I’m trusted to help my kids navigate this life. I’m trusted enough to help them learn and grow through this so they can do great things in the world. I can’t wait to see what picture is created for them.  

(1 Peter 4: 10 - 11) “As each one has received a gift, use it to serve, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God’s varied grace. Whoever preaches, let it be with the words of God; whoever serves, let it be with the strength that God supplies, so that all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen”